Are You My Daddy?

My Dad

So, this is the feeling I have been longing for as a woman thugging it throughout my life?I was unaware. I was hurt. I was in survival. I was doing what I had to do, cause who else was going to do it?

Where the divorce ended, my turn up began. I was a little girl. Not just any little girl, though. I was daddy’s little girl. A true daddy’s girl through and through. My father could do no wrong in my eyes. He was my knight in shining armor. It felt like he rode in on his horse, swept me off my feet and saved my life. I felt safe with him. With him I was loved. He was a provider. He protected me. He was funny, handsome, had muscles—and with him “no” did not exist. I always do a soft hearty laugh at the thought of how spoiled I was by my father. It’s like from the moment we met (at my birth), I knew I had his heart. I had him wrapped around my finger. I didn’t have to perform for my father’s love. He gave it to me freely. With him I was covered. It felt as if he covered me. I would not understand how necessary that covering was, until I wasn’t covered anymore.

Laying on my mom and dad’s bedroom floor, propped up on  pillow, looking into my daddy’s eyes. 

I hadn’t been protected since I felt ripped away from my dad through a divorce. Then, came you.

Who is “you?” A man who has made me question “Are you my daddy?”. He’s not just any man. He’s my man, my man, my man. Somebody pull out the salts. Every time I feel the love I have for this man and the way he has changed my life for the absolute better, I feel like I am going to faint. Because—what??? Excuse me??? You mean to tell me I am experiencing a profound type of love, a high vibrational love, a healthy love and a healthy romantic relationship??? I mean, I know I am—however; on an emotional level, it’s so overwhelmingly blessed and bliss filled, that at times, it seems surreal.

I am safe here.

I was a woman with an avoidant attachment style, and a fear of commitment, that was created from being severely attached in a relationship that felt like struggle, survival and hell—to now being swept off my feet once again. Yup, once again. The same feels I got from my father are alive and at a high here. I am protected. I am provided for. I am loved. I am cared for. I am prioritized. There’s a whole lot more I am in this relationship. Most importantly, I am covered. So, this is the feeling I have been longing for, as a woman thugging it out through life? I was unaware. I was hurt. I was in survival. I was doing what I had to do, cause who else was going to do it? I was gonna make sure myself and my daughter were protected and provided for. I was gonna make sure I was straight. I had no choice. Now, have I ever experienced protection and provision from men throughout my life? Sure I have. I’ve had men come to my protection and provide for me several times throughout my life. However, I must point out there is a difference in coming to my protection verses consistently covering and protecting me. One is a call away. It can waver due to what is on that man’s plate at the time. It is on and off when things are on or off. The other comes from a man making it his responsibility to take on me and my responsibilities. A man who prioritizes me and my life. One feels like when my dad was in the home verses when my dad was a call a way or on and off. One is secure and sure. The other creates ambivalence. A woman feeling ambivalence from a man will create feelings of unsafety and unsureness.

Situationships kept me safe. They didn’t require commitment.

Situationships kept me safe. They didn’t require commitment. I did not need to be vulnerable emotionally. I did not have to take the risk for love. I could get what I wanted without doing what I really needed to do. What I really needed to do was heal. I needed to go to the depths of me, to the dark parts of me. The parts of me that I ran away from while those same parts simultaneously ran my life. Going from life as that woman, to life as the woman I am today, is surreal. Add in a serious romantic relationship and I am taken back at times.

Masculinity for the win.

Exactly one week before my man pursued me, I sat in my bed and cried. I had taken a break from the dating scene months prior, and had just gotten back out there. (Girl, those breaks use to be so necessary. It’s wild out there.) As soon as I had gotten back on the dating scene, I met five men, back to back. Each one came with emotional issues that intertwined with their ego’s in different ways. I was dating intentionally, so I made it a habit to vet men out and when something was off and there was no turning it on, move on. As I laid across my bed, the thought of my father and his masculinity crossed my mind. I didn’t know why, it wasn’t something I had been thinking about. Tears fell from my eyes as I wondered if I would ever feel covered again. It sure didn’t seem like it from the emotional baggage so many men I encountered were burdened with or suppressing. Men being taught they don’t have emotions instead of being taught how to feel and manage their emotions was a constant replay during my dating experience. Welp, that wasn’t going to be my story much longer. One week after thoughts of my father’s masculine covering, and whether I would feel that again, I met you. My man, my man, my man.

Daddy’s little girl. 

From one man to the next.

My dad passed away on August 29, 2007. He is and will always be the first man to capture my heart and cover me as his little girl. My dad should know I am good now. I took the time to heal what was necessary so I would no longer have a fear of commitment. Once again, I feel safe and secure. My man’s masculinity covers me. From one man to the next.

Secure masculine covering is life changing. I wish it for every woman and little girl. I remember the freedom I had as a little girl, with my father. I didn’t have to bear any heavy loads, I didn’t have a care in the world. I had my dad and I knew he had me. This allowed me to be free, playful, fun and childlike. Like the child I was. I feel that once again. My man has taken so much off of my plate. He helps to calm my nervous system. I still remember the day he told me he was taking me and my life on as his responsibility.

I am safe here.