Hard Women Hurt

I use to be hard as fuck, so I know a hard woman when I see one. After interacting with hard women, since becoming softer, more receptive and vulnerable, here are three boundaries I’ve had to set with myself. 

1. Releasing the need to show a hard woman her true inner beauty.

I will no longer struggle with a hard woman, to get her to see and understand her worth and what she deserves. Do you want a hard truth? A hard woman is hard to engage with at times. I use to be on the front line of the “Hard Girls Coalition”, so when I see the behaviors, it’s all too familiar. I know what I am seeing. I know the fight that is happening within. I know the guard is guarding. The fight within is often times projected outward. Sadly, onto people who aren’t the intended target. Trying to get a hard woman to see her inner beauty, when all she knows is to be guarded, armored up and ready to attack, is not the easiest. It was during my journey of healing, where I was faced with my truth. My truth of being not so easy to deal with, because of my hardness. My fight. My armor. My guard. Believe me when I say, I understand your struggle. However, I do not have to subject myself to it when receiving pushback.

2. Attempting to create a healthy friendship with a hard woman.

Healing has definitely shown me how my friendships were rooted in emotional unavailability, lack in intimacy, lack in vulnerability and a lack in showing one’s true self without a mask. We were all hard. We would fight for each other. We would do for each other. We would party with each other. We would be destructive with each other. However, we were all protecting ourselves in some way. This left us unable to feel each other. Feeling someone is impossible when we are disconnected. It’s like plugging a cord in an outlet and receiving no energy. We were there, but we could not receive each other, because we were not open. I desire deeper connections now. I’ve gone deep within me and done the work. I do the work daily. I no longer resonate with connections where we are masked up, armor on, ready for whatever. There is no true connecting when we are in that state. I lived there for more than 30 years. Now, healing has me in my softer season. After experiencing connections with women who are open and gentler, I cannot get enough. It’s so beautiful, and I deserve it.  

3. I will not stress over giving to a hard woman, who does everything in her power, to make herself unavailable to receive.

Chile, before healing, I didn’t even know I was so unreceptive. I also didn’t realize the overwhelming uncomfortable feelings I had with receiving. I know it’s hard for hard women to receive. I get it. You are use to doing for you. You aren’t use to having anyone really be there for you. You are use to giving so much and not getting in return. You keep yourself busy, so receiving is hardly an option. You feel alone. You like to hide behind a mask of “everything is ok”. I understand. I empathize with you. I feel for you. I will also protect myself from being constantly rejected, because you refuse to receive. Before healing, I gave endlessly from so many wounds. Now, I give from a healthier place. I give words, hugs, love, help, time, a safe space, support, intimacy, whatever I feel drawn to give you from my heart. I desire and deserve the same in return. I refuse to settle. However, if a person is not open and receptive it will be met with a shut door. I get it. You don’t need anybody. You have trust issues. You are scared someone will see you. You are anxious someone may try you. Maybe the word will get out that you are a human who has feelings. Choose any of the stories you play on repeat, to keep yourself guarded. What’s the point in someone constantly giving to you, if you don’t want to receive?

If you are a hard woman or a former hard woman in healing, you know the struggle with being soft and open. It ain’t easy. It takes time and work. Homegirls, use the following journal prompts to guide you on a journey of releasing a hard life and creating a softer one. Remind yourself, you deserve it.

• When did I find myself becoming hard and guarded? Detail the experience.

• Do I desire to continue a hard life? Whether yes or no, explain why?

• What women in my life were/are hard? What do I see in them that is a reflection of me?

• What are some daily habits that keep me hard? How can I reframe them, to gain a softer life?

It’s healing season.

Your homegirl in healing,

Rachel K

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