I Tried Resting. Let’s Discuss My Experience.
Ladies, this was written in September of 2022. It is nice to look back and reflect on my journey.
This summer I was blessed with the opportunity to rest. After leaving a toxic job, that was completely draining me and was entirely unfulfilling, I decided to pay my bills for the coming months and rest. However, my nervous system had a different idea. Rest? Yea, right. Be still? Why did I deserve stillness when I wasn’t even clocking in to fulfill someone else’s dream, while draining myself of mine? I mean, that’s definitely what I had been programmed to believe was law. If you don’t work, you don’t eat. Well in this case I told myself, if you don’t work, you don’t rest. And so, resting was hard.
Technically, I was doing some work. I was consistently creating content for my healing platform Heal Thy Homegirl. Also, I started my YouTube journey for Heal Thy Homegirl in August. However, if I can be honest, the “workiest” ( I know that isn’t a word, but let’s roll with it) part of Heal Thy Homegirl has been overcoming me. Overcoming my self doubt, fear, imposter syndrome, fear of vulnerability, etc. Speaking about healing comes with ease, so I don’t consider Heal Thy Homegirl to be tiring, draining, unfulfilling work. Plus, the self work I’ve been doing to overcome myself is necessary. Being on someone’s clock when I’ve been granted a period of rest, is not. Rest is not something I am use to. However, I have learned during my healing journey, resting is necessary.
Resting has never been my thing. How could it be? All my life I had to fight. How do you rest and fight, when the fight is within you and it never ends? Needless to say, my summer of resting, turned into a summer of panic, constant redirection, giving myself constant grace and reassurance that it was ok to not be on somebody’s clock. That it was okay to rest and I was not a lazy bum. Here are three things I discovered during my summer of not so much rest:
So much of my identity was wrapped up in working and doing for others. If I’m not producing for others, how useful am I? I need to be producing. Having an identity around producing validated me. It gave me a sense of accomplishment. Where’s the accomplishment in resting?
I needed something to do. Well, since I wasn’t going to be on the clock, my mind went to find other things to do. This is where the work came in. Self awareness, accountability, grace, redirection, understanding, empathy. Chile, I was finding all types of things to do. And not in any specific order. Just all over the place. This had me here, there, not really getting anything done. Just on a hunt for stuff to do.
I loathe hard labor. I loathe the unfulfilling 9-5 path. I loathe waking up everyday, to another day of draining me. The absence of a 9-5, while being on my journey of self discovery revealed my strong dislike for doing things that I do not want to do. Now, I just need to focus on continuing to do the internal work to align with what I love to do. This will take me being gentle with myself while doing the uninstalling of what I’d been programmed to do. Get an unfulfilling 9-5, so I can pay the bills.
Earlier in this blog entry, I asked “Where is the accomplishment in resting?” My answer since going through my journey of unrest: A whole lot is. Think about it. If I am able to do something that I am normally unable to accomplish, is that an accomplishment? I say, yes. A major one at that. Resting is not easy for those of us who have lived a life of survival. Therefore, learning how to rest, doing the self work to be able to rest, and accepting that rest is not a weakness is a major accomplishment.
I am not out of the woods when it comes to resting, as healing is a lifelong process. However, I’ve identified, processed and begun the work. Rest is a part of my thrival season. Bye survival. You’re no longer necessary.
Here’s some journal prompts for you.
When I rest I feel…
I have or haven’t been taught about rest, and this is how it has shaped me..
Working my 9-5 makes me feel…
Ladies, it is almost a year after I wrote this and my life has changed drastically. I am able to rest with more peace. However, there are still times that I need to remind myself it is okay to rest. I wake up every morning and do work that is fulfilling and I am completely in love with it. I don’t even like to call it work, because it is a gift. I have done the work to overcome fear, imposter syndrome, fear of vulnerability, etc., as shown through my constant vulnerability through Heal Thy Homegirl. I am so grateful I am doing the work to heal, I love it here.
